Family culture is one of my favourite topics to write about because when strong, it has such potential to transform.
More than ever before, we need to be deliberate about the culture we are building in our families. We are bombarded by all things worldly and without conscious decision and action, our domestic churches can too easily be devoured by the culture of the world.
In just a small number of generations, our domestic churches have moved away from being grounded in strong family culture… to the opposite. In those few generations, we have found our families more disconnected than ever, our children more confused than ever and our dependance on God more rare than ever.
Unfortunately, the worldly family culture has become an easy one to adopt. We’re expected to busy our children’s lives with every activity under the sun so they don’t ‘fall behind’, we’re prone to overcommitting on work, so we don’t ‘fall behind’ and we allow our kids access to technology we don’t want them to have so they don’t ‘fall behind’. Unfortunately, this attempt to prevent ‘falling behind’ on all things worldly has also become a huge reason we can find ourselves actually falling behind in the areas that matter most. At the end of the week, we can so often look back and see a week that was filled with rushing, long periods of family disconnection or separation and a lack of deep spiritual enrichment.
This secular way of living can be a slippery slope that leads to deeper risks. In this environment, our faith can be watered down, our culture can be watered down and our family connection can be watered down. Unfortunately, this watered down version of family faith, connection and culture can lead to our children becoming peer-oriented. To use a term coined by Dr Gordon Neufeld, peer orientation is where children attach themselves or ‘orient’ themselves toward their peers rather than their parents.
Children need to have an orienting attachment and who they are attached to in this way will influence their actions, choices etc. According to Dr Neufeld, what seems to be happening more in our society is that this attachment is unrightfully being transferred from the children’s parents to their friends. This means that rather than being directed, guided and coached by their own parents, children are being led by their peers, or ‘brought up’ by their peers. Neufeld says our society has moved away from a culture being informed vertically by parents, into a culture being informed horizontally by peers. This, no doubt, can create countless issues for our kids depending on who they orient themselves to and what that orientation leads to.
As Neufeld speaks of peers informing peers, in a way, this worldly culture has contributed to our society moving away from being vertically informed by our Church, to being horizontally informed by fellow families in an effort to ‘keep up with the Joneses’ and avoid ‘falling behind’.
I am in no way saying that we should all quit our jobs, cancel all extracurricular activities and live without electricity! There is a very happy and healthy middle ground. The good news is, we can certainly do the things we need to do to function in the world while putting first what is most important to us. The best way to do this is to prioritise strengthening our family culture so that we can both grow in relationship with Christ, and with our family members and so that when those busy weeks arise, we remain strong and grounded together.
Building daily and weekly rituals and habits around the following areas are great ways to strengthen our family culture:
CREATE AN ATMOSPHERE OF FAITH: by making God the centre of our daily family lives- through our words, actions, intentions and attitudes, we naturally strengthen our domestic churches and model to our children what matters most.
Ideas: make daily family prayer, grace and Sunday mass non-negotiable, study the Bible together, have big, faith-filled discussions, read books about the lives of saints, attend adoration together, celebrate feast days, choose saints to be your family patrons.
There are so many incredible ways to pray and celebrate our faith together as a family and every building block counts.
CREATE AN ATMOSPHERE OF LOVE & CONNECTION: when we create an atmosphere of love and connection, we naturally build up the relationships within our domestic churches and our children are more likely to stay oriented to us.
Ideas: teach your children what it really means to love one another, teach them conflict resolution and the importance of forgiveness, gratitude and generosity. Teach your children what healthy relationships are, to put people before things and emotional regulation.
So much of the conflict and disconnection we experience can be avoided by going deeper than sorry alone.
CREATE AN ATMOSPHERE OF JOY: by bringing more joy into our families, we make more room for deep connection with one another. Play is the best and easiest way to invite more joy in.
Ideas: play board games, have dance parties, play soccer or basketball or ping pong, build lego towers, jump on the trampoline, paint masterpieces (or attempt them at least).
Whatever you choose, try to come back to that same activity again and again so it can become an easy family go-to.
CREATE AN ATMOSPHERE OF BELONGING: when we build our families up in a way that allows each member to feel part of something unique and bigger than themselves, we create a sacred team. This team naturally creates a feeling of belonging within each of its members, becomes the secure place for children to rest and provides its members with the courage and integrity to put the values of the team above the need to ‘fit in’ or ‘keep up’ with the worldly.
Ideas: create a family list of shared Christian values together, dream big together, talk about virtues, opinions, values, morals and the way different people approach life. Talk about the way Jesus taught us to approach life and establish a specific shared vision of the way your family strives to follow His teachings together. Hold family meetings, let everyone be heard and acknowledged, be honest and be respectful.
Providing a home where they feel they belong is one of the most important things in the lives of our children.
CREATE AN ATMOSPHERE OF COOPERATION: having clear, fair and consistent boundaries and rules can help to create an atmosphere of cooperation and actually helps all members within the family to feel secure knowing where the expectations and boundaries lie.
Ideas: create clear family rules around different areas of family life; relationships, routines and bedtimes, curfews, home environment etc.
Creating family rules can be a great preventive approach to conflict.
CREATE AN ATMOSPHERE OF TEAMWORK: when everyone contributes to the household (in some way), we naturally create an atmosphere of family teamwork and togetherness.
Ideas: divvy up the post-meal jobs and have a dance party while cleaning up, get your kids to choose a weekly or daily job, do ‘Saturday working bees’, or ‘fortnightly working bees’, or ‘Saturday house cleans’.
Whatever you choose, consistency is key to setting the expectation around the job getting done.
CREATE AN ATMOSPHERE OF HEALTHY MINDSETS, ATTITUDES & APPROACHES: when we have a healthy attitude, mindset and approach to life, we bring joy to those around us. Making a conscious effort as a family to improve our mindsets and attitudes can lead to great opportunities for encouragement and growth as a family, naturally leading to stronger bonds.
Ideas: fill the home with inspiring Bible verses and quotes from saints, talk about the virtues and how they can apply to our lives, have big discussions about life, who you all want to be and how you all want to show up/ respond to life’s challenges.
You’d be amazed at what sinks in, at any age. I still remember the impact my mum’s inspiring wall quotes had on me as a young child.
Being deliberate about building our family culture is perhaps one of the most important things we can do in the lives of our children and the fruit of the seeds we sow now will continue to grow in our children's faith lives and in generations to come.
Jess Crino – Parenting Coach
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